Jonathan

I'm writting to get feelings and thoughts down nothing more. This is not to be judged but if read by others simply noted as my state of mind at this point in time.

Last Sunday the 1st, I had lunch with a friend, I've known for about 4 months. The odd part for most people would be the part about this being our first meeting. This girl is amazeing.

I slipped off the back of my car as she drove in, and stood warily completly unsure of what was happening. She parked stepped out of her purple ride and promptly walked right up to me and introduced herself. I was practiclly shakeing I was so nervous. We walked across the train tracks to a pizzaria, she walked with caution as well. After being seated, we exchanged skittish smiles, and tried to ease the rediculus awkwardness we felt permiating the air. My arms crossed, fingers fiddleing with nothing. My eyes tentitivly searching the room afraid to rest on hers for to long. And she sat there as i percived it almost as a mirrored image, all the classic signs of being out of ones element, yet attempting to rectify the situation. We began to chat, very quietly at first, as if in my case it seemed like talking to myself in the dark, yet worried the dark would hear. But as the food came she dug in, and it was the perfect ice breaker, mid sentence she picks up a slice and starts to take it down. I not wanting to be shown up at the pizza place i picked out try to follow suit, the pizza is pipeing hot, and im like "holy shit thats hot" she laughs, and so do I. It was a good start. About 2 hours go by, we pay and leave. Then we visit my school, she suggested we take her car so that when we come back for mine, she will be at the start of her route to get home. So off we go. I see a few of my old professors and its really cool, but at one point Mr Shortell, who has invited us into his house and sat us both on his couch, gets around to asking so where did we first meet, thinking we were a pair, to which we respond here, then it becomes apparent this is our first time meeting. So he querries how did you guys know each other before hand, at which point she goes completly silent, and I go beat red as I try to explain we met in a game. Without missing a beat his wife jumps in and says, So.. that online dateign thing really works?... it was pretty fuckin funny. We kind of nodded partially aknowlegieng the question. Regardless we finished up there and then I wanted to take her somewhere nice, and for all I knew my memory was spot on, and I recalled a wonderful waterfall that I thoguht she would appreciate. So we head off to see that. Ont eh car ride she takes a wrong turna dn starts heading abck to the pizzaria, so i stay quiet and figure ok its been fun she wants to go home. Then she says somthing to the extent of, so where is this place. to which I reply in the opposite direction, and she nearly wacked me lol i was laughing prety hard, adn so was she, i think this is where we finally relaxed and opeened up. So we turn around, and head back down this road for a while, we make the turn as far as i remmebered, and then we end up at a T junction, and i did not recall that at all... she took a guess and somehow we found the place. it had a terribly maintained road, so we pulled over and began our hike... which was like 10x longer than I remembered from high school. We are about to give up for the 8th time, when we round a corner and a familiar pull off is in sight this is 20 minutes later after walking entierly uphill. Im like thats the spot! We decend the side of the mountian at that spot but much to my chagrin there is no waterfall, and I turn red for being a forgetful son of a bitch. But she says no its fine, this is nice. So I hope the stream we've come across and take a seat on a bolder while she sits on the other side, and we start chatting, but the waters to loud and I have to keep repeating myself, and saying what back to her, so still trying to respect her boundries I come back to her side, and take a seat about 4 feet from her. We continue to banter for a while, and not sensless talk mind you, we basiclly unloaded story upon sotry upon trouble, upon sucess to each other, till finally she says ok picture time, so I sort of hop/scoot next to her we take the picture, and remain like that chatting agian, its past 5 now, and the mosquitoes are comeing after me like white on rice. So we decide we've sat long enough time to acend and decend all over agian. We walk down the crappy road, and start chatting about the game, really loose, really comfortable...and I cant decribe how enjoyable it was, becuase it was the first time I could talk to someone about this game in person and they knew exactly what i ment, and could answer back. And on top of that it was her, I couldnt belive my luck. So we drive back tot eh pizzaria becuase shes gotta get home and so do I. We both live roughly 80 miles from the spot we met. So we stand behind our cars and say our goodbies and give each other a huge hug. Then it happens, the step back, our eyes locking for a moment, watching the other watching them. I had not felt somthing that strongly in ages. But we both knew we shouldnt, I had promised not to do anything previous to our engagment completly oblivious as to the events that would unfold. She was a good girl and wouldnt do anything of the sort either, so there we were two morally upstanding citizens, longing for somthing we had verbally and mentally decided not to do. It was a bummer yet reassuring at the same time. Allow me to explain, she had openly said she liked me and I was estatic to know that. And it became pretty obvious I had a serious serious crush on her only intensified by our finally meeting and becomeing so comfortable in each others pressance. So it was a bummer in that sense, I can vividly remmber as I got into my car to leave, how badly I wanted to just jump out and run over to her car. Or how easily I would have turned my car around at any point in my trip home had she said anything of the sort. But she did not. And my already soreing respect for her found new heights, becuase she was more in control of herself than I would have imagined and she stuck to what she said, never flinching from her prior commitments. That takes better stuff than I'm made of.

So in summation... This girl blows my mind, but shes forbiddon fruit. So now what? At least I know I've made an incredible friend. ^^

FUCK THIS WEEK AND ALL THIS ACADEMIC BULLSHIT

FUCK MICROECONOMICS AND A SPECIAL FUCK YOU TO PSYCH STATS

Happy Saint Patricks day.

Last night was fun, lots of fun, followed by a bit of bad luck and a chaos but not to worry, things will be delt with in stride.

I feel really bad about somthing I did last semester. So heres a quick story and a makeshift apology to AT. There was this girl I liked but I didnt really know her, so I played it like I wasent interested, and asked her to help set me up with another girl AH. Well I knew that wasent going to happen, we wernt really on the same wave length she was just a nice cute girl who hung out with James and his crowd of friends. Well what that first girl did not know was I really did, and still do like her. Now whats left to figure out is a) was last night just friendly fun or somthign else?. b) does she like me back or are we doomed to be friends through association.

heres my hypothisis. Last night was friendly fun, she laughed and so did I when we realized the sillyness of it. There is a chance of somthing else but it would have to be under perfect conditions so dont break your neck trying. What comes, comes.

Finally this is componded by another variable James and company never read.
I'm rapidly growing closer to OW so its becomeing increasingly harder to figure out where, when, what to say or do. Both ladies have incredible qualities I've seen from the outside, and bah.... bad day to try and explain anymore

and in response to that first comment... i left high school 2 years ago, i dont intend to go back, if people refuse to throw childish bickering and back talk to the wind fuck em ^^ now i have a headache :(

im feeling a little bit introspective today, well tonight its 7:30am and i've yet to go to bed my roommate James is quite the conisour of snoreing. But I'd like to start with the idea of pledgeing to a name, a group, a tweak of the lifestyle. Somthing that seemed so completly wrong for me turned out what i was doing. When i began i couldnt wait to try and tell my closest friend, or divulge the secrets we are shown, as if im still struggleing to be accepted. But... as i continue ive begun to feel the fire so many before me have spoken about, the bonds that grow, the friendships that emerge, and all from what? Stunts, crazy missions, insanely practiced rituals? Its true to people on the otherside they see stupidity and plain ignorance, i was one of them. But as of late i've become attuned to the ways of their crafting, and its quite intricate. I feel i've become a part of somthing, and its not that i was searchihng for it, i had thoguht i was content to be as i was before. No here i found somthing to look forwards to, somthing to get me motivated, somthing that drives me to perform on a level i had ceased to access. And I enjoy it. I feel livley, for the last few days i was really sick and could do nothing but lie in bed, and it drove me to the brink sitting their board, and tingleing with a want to do somthing but acheing all over at the same time. So tonight after doing what ive decided to keep a secret like so many before me as an affirmationt o the grandure in which we asprie to attain, I was restless, and did somthign completly spontanious it felt great. I took a group of people to the library hill and we snowboarded for 40 minutes down it, i began to teach someone how and he was doing well, my other friend sled on a black trashbag, it was the kind of fun you miss from the days of childhood, we were our own and we shouted triumphantly at 2am in the morneing as we reached the bottom of the hill, it was superb. In all honesty my roommate is a great guy, he is funny, his sense of self is very strong, and he just plain keeps everyone going with crazyness in a tamed mild mannered way, some includeing myself feel he is a replica of me, everything except one thing James snores like no other, hes got my dad beat, hes got my mom beat hes got my uncle beat, and im running out of options, he tried to sleep on his side, that prolongs the twinge of hope till he lays on his back, we tried breathright strips, we've tried ear plugs for me, none of it works, and i cannot fall asleep, in the last 2 weeks ive spent 5 of my nights sleeping on Jeff's couch, let me tell you that is somthign you dont want to do when your me. Its about 4 feet long, his room is always in the high 80's so any glimpse of movment and you've broken a sweat, then shift in their sleep albiet its quieter than james, i havent fallen asleep there earlier than 5am. I wish we could do somthing i enjoy going to bed in the cold under blankets and comforters that i warm myself, but i take an insufferably long time to fall asleep and the slightest noises have brought me back from the brink time and agian, the beep of a text message these two lovers across the room from me are so stone cold out they havent noticed its been going for 6 hours, the shuffleing of bed sheets, and then the ever presant snore of my dear old buddy james. Here i sit its now 7:45am my hands are curled over the keyboard as if ready to pounce, my wrists rest precariously on the edge of my desk and i sit hunched over my chair with it halfway reclined on its costmart rocking chair rip off runners, boarding school adn college students know what im talkin about, those chairs that are so unfomfortable that you wish you could do somthign but your ass has slid back to the backboard and is hanging out an inch or two and your lower back the bottom most vertebre is numb agianst the corner of that peice of wood. My elbows burried in my thighs, slowly cutting off their ciurculation i can feel them falling asleep. My eyes burn as they look out from their sunken crevice to a this white wash screen, i bask and squint from its glow. My hood up and whats that hes ceased his snoreing, dare i hope? dare i sleep? I've almost nodded off countless times while this site loaded up ever so slowly. Wouldnt it be shamefully funny if this entire post were lost due to a sudden malfuntion in the computer? With that in mind i'll cut it short, i feel i have so much more to unlod so much more to spill forth my curse of holding it all inside mabye i'll get back into the practice of releasing it perioodiclly on here.. mabye not ^^ cheers and goodnight

I'm slipping under the cold gray swells. Friends are leaving, the temperature is dropping, and I am numbing. There's no such thing as a secret here. Once you cant hold it anymore, and you confide in someone, they fall into the same bind and before they know it they've lightened their load. The cycle repeats. I wish I had happier news. Maybe once the scholarly aspects wind themselves up I'll be able to piece the rest together. I'm leaving for home tomorrow on Thanksgiving break. I hope to God Kim and Alaina are there, or I'm headed for a full scale break down.

"Coordinate brain and mouth, then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out..... Wish I knew." - Brand New, I Belive You But My Tommy Gun Dont

hmmmm. Quit Conquer, now it's Eudemons. Been back at school, hairs gone from purple to blond, to red, to blond, to bleached blond, to red, to orangy pink mix, to finally black. Some girl has been calling me Pink Johnny, if she wasn't cute, I'd kick her for being so stupid. My roommate is ridiculous, in a good way. I probably never expected what I ended up with here, and its been great. He basically throws parties without fail on the weekends, and sometimes during the week. Its fun, and taxing lol but you gotta give to take. class in a bit dun really wanna be up so I'm gonna end this and crawl into bed again.

[13:06] SweetDevil286: john if i had ur number i would call jus cuz i'm a rebel with out a cause....plus i ignore away messages....lol
[13:06] *** Auto-response sent to SweetDevil286: class dont call lol, im free after 4:15
[13:09] JohnnyRingo82802: lol ok
[13:09] JohnnyRingo82802: whos this?
[13:10] SweetDevil286: kat
[13:10] JohnnyRingo82802: LOL
[13:10] SweetDevil286: oh wow i'm done with u john
[13:10] SweetDevil286: lmao
[13:10] JohnnyRingo82802: i forgot hhaha
[13:10] SweetDevil286: lol u need some ginco
[13:10] *** "SweetDevil286" signed on at Mon Sep 11 13:10:32 2006.
[13:10] SweetDevil286: or waht ever that shyt is
[13:10] JohnnyRingo82802: haha
[13:10] JohnnyRingo82802: hows school
[13:10] SweetDevil286: ugh same shyt diff year
[13:10] JohnnyRingo82802: lol no doubt
[13:11] SweetDevil286: u?
[13:11] SweetDevil286: how was ur b day?
[13:11] JohnnyRingo82802: its good we jsut hit that wall where everything we do lost its luster
[13:11] JohnnyRingo82802: and veverythign seems jaded
[13:11] JohnnyRingo82802: so we're scrambeling well more lkiek shambleing towards somthing to do
[13:11] JohnnyRingo82802: it was oog
[13:11] JohnnyRingo82802: good*
[13:11] SweetDevil286: lol dats good
[13:11] JohnnyRingo82802: i got ripped and really high
[13:12] SweetDevil286: oh thats waht the fuck is up
[13:12] SweetDevil286: i'm proud
[13:12] JohnnyRingo82802: lol
[13:12] SweetDevil286: lol
[13:12] SweetDevil286: i would love to see my fuckin kids
[13:12] JohnnyRingo82802: haha
[13:12] JohnnyRingo82802: alright want a job?
[13:13] SweetDevil286: chug lil billy come on
[13:13] SweetDevil286: what?
[13:13] JohnnyRingo82802: somthign to keep u busy :p
[13:13] SweetDevil286: i got a G.O.B
[13:13] JohnnyRingo82802: lol not liek for money and hours of work
[13:13] JohnnyRingo82802: but u get to analise my life lol
[13:13] JohnnyRingo82802: :D
[13:13] SweetDevil286: does it invovle sex drugs or alcohol
[13:13] SweetDevil286: oh okay sure
[13:13] JohnnyRingo82802: nope but its a thumping good read... or whatever
[13:14] JohnnyRingo82802: (Link: http://disarmwithsmile.livejournal.com/)http://disarmwithsmile.livejournal.com/
[13:14] SweetDevil286: lol okay
[13:14] JohnnyRingo82802: haha
[13:14] JohnnyRingo82802: i just need someone i can bounce some of these thoughts off of
[13:14] SweetDevil286: okay cool
[13:14] JohnnyRingo82802: so i can figure out wtf is wrong with my life
[13:14] JohnnyRingo82802: lol
[13:14] SweetDevil286: lol cool beans
[13:14] JohnnyRingo82802: probably would make most sense to start at the bottom and erum for the most part i dun use peopels names
[13:15] JohnnyRingo82802: becuase i found paretns cruise these sites and i got calle dout hardcore on one
[13:15] SweetDevil286: ohhhh damn
[13:15] SweetDevil286: wtf
[13:15] SweetDevil286: who does that
[13:15] JohnnyRingo82802: my would be roommates mom
[13:15] JohnnyRingo82802: lol
[13:15] JohnnyRingo82802: she found one where i was talking about robo trippign with ehr son
[13:15] JohnnyRingo82802: and how he ripep doff a convince store while we were high
[13:15] SweetDevil286: lol damn
[13:16] JohnnyRingo82802: :p
[13:16] SweetDevil286: she is a nosy one
[13:16] JohnnyRingo82802: indeed
[13:16] JohnnyRingo82802: then she had the gall to confront me when she came up
[13:16] JohnnyRingo82802: scared the crap out of m
[13:16] SweetDevil286: i think i would laugh if i read that about my sons frind
[13:16] JohnnyRingo82802: me * lol
[13:16] SweetDevil286: but the n that me
[13:16] SweetDevil286: lol
[13:22] JohnnyRingo82802: i gotta runt oc lass catch ya laytaa
[13:22] JohnnyRingo82802: i expect to see a synopsis of my life when i get back :p
[13:22] SweetDevil286: aiight cool i'm readin til 2 when i have clas
[13:22] SweetDevil286: lol
[13:22] SweetDevil286: aiight
Session Close (SweetDevil286): Mon Sep 11 13:42:28 2006


Session Start (JohnnyRingo82802:SweetDevil286): Mon Sep 11 13:44:40 2006
[13:44] SweetDevil286: well to me it seems like u have a lot to say and you have great way of sayin it but u put it in the journal as like a venting thing or just to get things off your chest and it's like u want certain ppl to kind of stumble over it by mistake and then bam they know the true you....when in all actuallity all it takes is some how truly showing the true you...yea sounds like a shyt load of crap but it is so true cuz i'm like that....which is why i only have about like 4 true friends cuz they truly get me....and
[13:44] *** Auto-response sent to SweetDevil286: class dont call lol, im free after 4:15
[13:48] SweetDevil286: that shyt isn't good it catches up wit you....plus as far as things being different now ur getting older....lol shyt jus isn't the same anymore cuz the same dumb shyt jus doesn't excite u anymore, u gottah get out and try other things....this may seem a bit gay but try for a week sayin everything that is on ur mind and not in a jokin way like....haha that would be sad if that old lady fell off a bridge...u kno if ur truly wanna be compasionate....john i don't think you have a real problem you jus think
[13:50] JohnnyRingo82802: im always looking for somthign to have latent meaning in it and thats where i get tripped up the most
[13:51] JohnnyRingo82802: lol i gotta run class in 10
[13:51] JohnnyRingo82802: thanks alot
[13:51] SweetDevil286: u do cuz u feel no one really gets u....but if they don't then that up to u to get them to get to know the true you....also seem a lil shy around chicks...dats what i get...like u feel so much for ppl but do u ever tell them? you r chrasmatic by nature...so like camp gurl....call her up IM her e mail her, and try to develop a deeper connection
[13:51] JohnnyRingo82802: lol no doubt
[13:52] SweetDevil286: u just gottah have the confidence it's all in ur approach you can get anyone u want it's jus your approach...don't think if ut like a game of chess...cuz that's when u fall back cuz ur scared of all the what if moves that might take place
[13:52] SweetDevil286: okay i have clas at 2...cya

Well lets see college is back in full swing. We've been here 2 weeks now, and we've been saying it since we got here, this year is gonna be fucking incredible. And it's living up to our expectations to date. Since I've been back my hairs gone from purple, to blond to red to blond to red to blond. And soon to be dyed correctly so the red stays for some time. After that I'll probably take a break on the colors. Don't need to go bald this early in the game. Last weekend was summarized by the party at A's apartment, and the night after with excessive beer. It was fun. This week caught me a little off guard. I forgot the readings for one of my classes, and had to play catch up and got caught in it. Oh well, I had an epiphany in one of my class's they other day. Somehow everything seemed so clear then, if only I could call it back. Here's what I wrote down. You may think of me as a deranged lunatic but I'll address that after.

"I am conscious of many things, but there is something inside that runs the unconscious and he's hooking me up. Setting me up ahead of the game and giving me hints right beforehand, I am conscious of my leeching other people, but not to how I set it up to work out like clockwork unconsciously, the only clues I have towards it are from examining my past. Dare I call these occurrences chance? Or is it really my mind working towards these goals with me unaware? If we use only 10 of our brains or some small fraction like that, then dare we try to unlock anymore with us filling up on so much information. We have incredible vocabularies, we remember everything we learned somewhere deep inside. We remember faces, named to these faces, friends and interests that go with those associated to those faces. We take so much in, how much space have we used in a quantitative figure? If we were to unlock other facilities would it cause us to overload? New information's, new techniques, new something/unknown some incredible untapped power.... maybe something completely worthless. The more we wonder the more we fail to see. But in admitting your blind does that not set you in front of the rest? Thoughts for today - Jon "

Now that that's done, on to the lunacy.

I need to meet with Dr.Spector and find out if I'm actually going to be prescribed something for my anxiety. It's not that its getting worse it's that now that I have been enlightened to its existence, I am finding it increasingly harder to ignore and filter out. Like a bad dream stuck on repeat inside your head. Only the more it repeats the more it evolves, the sharper the details get the more real it feels. Not to say I've lost my mind and can no longer discern reality from not, I very much can, but they fill me with fear, sadness, and anger. For example, take a normal drive, you get on the highway, and think nothing of it. Your headed to your destination. For me it runs a little differently. I'll be driving along when all of a sudden, I'll imagine my tire blows out, then I think what would logically come next.... always worst case basis first. I veer off the highway, hit the median by some freak chance the car flips over and into opposing traffic, dose it slid across in a miraculous move and slam into the foliage and trees lining the road, or am I broad sided while upside down and strapped into my seat? Then I blink back to reality and console myself with, a) yea that would suck but your chances are practically 0 of that happening, and b) in that case, Jon you've had a tire blow out on you before while speeding and you did fine.

The worst part of all of this, is I imagine these scenarios for others that I know equally if not more of the time than me. And that's the upsetting and enraging part. I had a bad one today I had to tell to my friend, I wish I had his outlook on such things, he sees the best case b4 anything else, yey go optimist. I now know what my brother suffered through, worrying about everyone, and I apologize to him for all I caused. I wonder the types of medicine they would use to suppress or relive such thoughts. And god I hope there's some out there lol.

I'm unsure of what tomorrow has in store, and for me that's a good thing. Because lately me and my friend, have become jaded to the things we do daily. The games I play are lacking, the food is old already, drinking isn't the excitement it held for the first week, and the novelty in general is wearing off. I'm starting to understand another's take on things, and I like it.

If your not living your dying. So get living.

Just had to re-bury Honey, I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't know whats going on. And I'm rather confused at certian aspects of my life. Lets see. We'll start with my brother. Last night he told me about a dream of his while we were at Taco Bell. How he dreamed of haveing sex with one of my good friends. He wouldnt tell me who it was till I guessed becuase I figure he thought better of it after telling me the inital part. I was undoubtedly upset, and I told him not to persue it, as one shes a very good friend and two I still have feelings for her. That ended that converstaion. But outside this afternoon, I sat there smokeing and wondering to myself, if all men are this insecure, or is it just me. Is there somthing terribly wrong with me? To see these senerios fold out in my mind, and send me off the edge, it's unbearable. I don't know.

Evans got home a few days ago. We went up to see him at his school for his personal challenge. It was quite a show they put on for us, him and 11 other kids. When he got home he was beyond happy to be here. And it's great haveing him home. Yesterday I took him to a MAgic The Gathering Tournment and we drafted him with 5 other people me with 7 otehr people. He did very well and I did as expected dead last lol. Regardless it was a fun time. Afterwards we went to Taco Bell as stated above. Then around 11:10 we got home.

My dad asked us when we got there, "Wanna work on the pool table?" To which we replied sure. So we puttered around for about 3 minutes talking aboutthe tournment and went upstairs to cut the bumpers into shape, strip the felt off the table and start to level it. we stop around 12:45 for a ciggerette break. When we finsiehd my dad says "Jon are we gonna work more on this tonight or call it quits for the evening?" I said call it quits. He replied tell your brother. So I went upstairs to play Super Smash Brothers Melee with Evans and Nichols. We started at 1am. We're up there no longer than 30 minutes when my Dad coems up stairs and says, "What the fuck are you doing up. It's 1 fucking 30 in the morning, get the fuck in bed." To which I went on to tell him how we planned this all day to play together. And we were busy all day doing this and that. Me with work till 5:30, shower, then leave at 6 for the tournment, getting home at 11ish, to work on the table for an hour and 45 min. We put our game off to help him. But he was drunk and things didnt compute. So he said somthing to the extent of "You guys want to do the table?" And I said yea we do but tommorow." he said, "Fine all yours have fun." and walked out. This was him being an asshole becuase he knows we dont know how to do the tbale, and he was drunk. I replied "Alright"... being the smartass at the moment. He walked away and we heard hima t the stairs say "Get the Fuck in bed."

Evans was so pissed off that he couldnt play anymore so he threw his controller down and asked me for a peice of nicorette since he cant smoke or his year and a half at that school would be thrown downt he drain. I gave it to him. We went downstairs for a smoke break, and my little brother nichols followed, then my mom showed up to talk to us about it. I went to bed shortly after.

Problem is the same sort of deal happened the night before. We were outside my dad on the grill me and Evans standing to the side. And my dad had just taken a bag of recently thawed frozen shrip and tossed them onto the BBQ. I picked one up it was luke warm and a made a comment about how they taste funny like this, sort of like guts or somthing. To which Evans picked one up and chewed it near my ear so I could hear it. I was like GROSSS. My dad blew up. He was drunk long story short. He cussed us out for being disrespectful for makeing fun of his cooking. Which we never said at any point.... And then he threw a shrimp tail at Evans totally seriuosuly pissed off. Evans said what the fuck, and went inside . And I had to deal with my dad for the next 15 minutes, trying to explain to him why this just happened and how childish he was acting. When we never said anything about his cooking.

Its gotten to the point where in this household if somebody dosent take their meds that day the whole family feels it. And we have 2 wild cards there.

Erum besides haveing no social life, small campers slapping my ass, and my own persoanl family fued summers fun ^^